Jealous (a poem for father's day)

I'm jealous of your left hand
Because it gives you pleasure
When I'm not around
I'm jealous of your right hand
Because it gives you pleasure
When your left hand is tired
I'm jealous of your imagination
In which every woman in the world exists
I'm jealous of your lack of imagination
In which I am wearing too many clothes
I'm envious of your underpants
Which hold your manhood
As a rich man clutches coins
I'm envious of your rucksack
Because it clings to your back
Like a lover
I'm envious of your wallet
And its well-worn, fingered zip
I'm jealous of the paper
That you possess with thrusts of ink
I'm jealous of your laptop
Because it tops your lap
I'm jealous of your mother
Because she had you inside her
For 9 whole months at once
But most of all
I'm jealous
Of your dad
His potent scrotum
That held the very soul of you
That made you from nothing
But air and light
A tiny quark turned into a spark
That then formed spunk
And met the mound of your mother’s egg
With a blind warrior’s spirit
That’s your essence and I want in it
Anyway
Happy father's day

Not Another Student Drama

Artist & event organiser Angharad Iris
Reynolds, in front of the womb!

It's summer term, and that's when poet-y people such as I get asked to do lots of fun projects and events... Most recently, me n local poets Johnny Giles and Zaru Jonson performed at the Caerleon art students' final degree show, spitting spoken word in front of, er, a giant womb(!). Cue many a lady bits-related joke, such as "clear the womb", "womb with a view", "providing a poetic cervix", etc. It was fun!!

Then, I filmed a short bit in this HILARIOUS comedy sketch show (below), made by Liam Bauckham Film as part of his final project for Newport Film School. It also features the fabbo Boyd Clack. It's all happening in Newport, isn't it?? No, it IS. Really!!!!

                                           

Anyway, enjoy these bits n bobs. And, come visit me in Cardiff Fashion Quarter!! I have a small shop upstairs these days, where I make/sell jewellery, write, and create my plans for world domination. I am also hosting the forthcoming Back of the Pub Poetry Club, which takes place in Tair Pluen (Owain Glyndwr) in Cardiff this Sunday from 7pm. Feature poet is Jack Pascoe, just back from Beijing and ready to spill verbs all over you!!

It'll be amazeballs!! See you there!! xxx

Paaarks & Gardens

As usual, I am churning stuff out and doing so much that I forgot to plug this little piece which was in the Western Mail last week... It's about one of my favourite places in Cardiff, Victoria Park, which I used to visit as a child. Imagine the scene, if you will.....

"Some of my first childhood memories are of being taken to 'Vicky Paaark'. For an Ely family, it was like a trip to Mauritius. Flowers, trees, birds and bees, all were here. I would demand a lolly shaped like a foot from the ice cream van and imagine I was a cannibal on some exotic island. Then, I’d try to escape my annoying younger siblings by wandering around the further edges of the park, while they screamed and hit each other in the paddling pool, and my mum chatted to other mums, their collective bare legs glistening like honey roast hams in the sun. I would watch from a distance. It was definitely the beginning of me being a poet."

Which kind of reminds me, now I am no longer ill I need to get back to The National Botanic Garden of Wales, where I am Poet in Residence!! Here are a few lines about that:

I wander round and round the Garden

Like Wordsworth, but are my words worth

Anything like his? Or is this more a nursery rhyme

And I wander, blunder, round the Garden

Like a teddy bear, fuzzy wuzzy, verses buzzing

In my little brain? Verses flow and flower

In me, I can't stem their growth and

If we walk, meander, round the Garden

Maybe words will bloom there.

Time to get to the Garden! More about that lovely, luscious place HERE.

More Reasons to Not Have Kids!

Child, baby, infant, kid

I don't want one, never did

Hated dolls when I was small

I had none, my sister - all

One would weep, one would wee

Pissing playthings, not for me

I ain't dissing kids per se

Just don't want one, okay

And this, well, this is just scary as hell......! 

CREEPY THINGS CHILDREN SAY TO THEIR PARENTS

Enjoy your Sunday, my parent chums!!!

*shiver* ;-)

Love v Lust

What is love? as many people have sung, including Haddaway, Dee-Lite, Howard Jones, and En Vogue (I'm just soooo cultured, y'know!). The past 12 months have been v interesting for me, in that I asked 'the universe' to show me the difference between love and lust... I received some sorta, at the time, disturbing teachings on this matter.. Anyway, now that I know what these qualities are (love lies in the heart, lust in the loins; both *can be* unconditional/indiscriminate, so theoretically you could love the whole world, or want to screw everyone in the whole world; 'falling in love' is where you both love *and* lust for someone), I find that neither has any particular power over me... Except, I do feel that love is more important than lust, because if someone doesn't love you back, you still love them; but if someone doesn't lust you back, you just feel tortured...

Not that *I* ever get this problem, lol!!! ;-)

Anyway, I came across this lovely love poem, which I am going to share with you, not by me but by a poet called Jane Cooper. Enjoy!! x

The Political Compass

Someone reminded me today about the fact that I am featured on the 'Aryan Untiy' website, in their 'Red Watch' section, for my rhyming poetical crimes against fascism. It's kind of like a 'most wanted' list; it means I am considered a danger to those delightful people we call neo-Nazis. I can't remember which poem it was, particularly, which offended them... Perhaps the one about pubic hair styles around Wales *wink*.

Anyway, before I nip to Newport to see the lovely Pam Ayres this evening, I thought I would take the Political Compass test to see where my politics lie... Lie as in sit, rather than tell a porky, or lounge lazing on a chez longe of course... So, I took this test, here be the result:

Yay! I am still more left wing than the Dalai fricking Lama! This makes me happy indeed. Happy Friday, comrades!!!

I Don't Like Being Ill (on facebook)

From Cooped Up.... to Souped Up!

I've been ill for sooooooooooooooooooooooooo loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong - my Lord, it feels like a lifetime! I used to organise a hell of a lot of things, but at the moment I still don't feel I have what it takes to do very much... But I'd like to help make cool things happen... How, though....???!!

Ah, yes! Sunday Soup! It's a project that began in the USA a little while back... Basically, people gather together for a meal, they pay a small amount for said meal, and the monies they pay then go into funding a small creative project. People put bids in for their event/project/happening, and everyone attending votes for their fave after the meal...

What a sweet idea! If I can't actually organise something, I can at least help fund it....!

This suits me. This is what I will do, then. From cooped up to souped up in, er, well, a couple of months, really...

More details on Sunday Soup Cardiff 

HERE.

More details on Sunday Soup itself 

HERE.

Get in touch if you'd like to help out, too! x

The Year in Shitty Pictures

A lot of shit happened this year... Some of the shit was too shit for me to notice, as I had some other shit going on... But here's a few of the bits what I remember.

The year began. Everyone was really happy, and started using this new word, 'Amazeballs'. Some people liked it, but some people didn't... Of all the protests this year, this one was perhaps the most fierce!

Apparently, it got put in the Collins English Dictionary, and was something to do with popcorn. Maize balls!

A social internet tendency towards these sort of pictures flew about, each one less amusing than the last:

Next up: I got a Valentine's Card! One that was entirely fitting for a classy bird such as myself...

Then, the National Botanic Garden of Wales tried to stop me writing rude poems by making me their first ever Poet in Residence. I think it worked!

There were lots of things in the news, but I was too ill/caught up in shit to take notice...

Though, I did manage to enjoy the Olympics opening ceremony. It was great to finally find out where all those NHS beds went!

There was some blah-blah-crap to do with celebrating the Queen's existence, with a lot of tax payers' money going towards appropriate signage for the event...

I was also pleased to discover that this was the year Royal Doulton commemorated the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, by releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs...

The end of the world then showed up. It threatened to out-do the Great Asteroid of 1998 with its mega-awesomeness!!

However, the year didn't come to an end, but instead came to a close in its normal manner. I got ill again, but I had learned one important lesson...

Also, that if I could have a dinner party with any three people, dead or alive, it would be Justin Bieber, Chris Brown, and Piers Morgan. All dead.

That was my shit year in pictures! Let's hope that 2013 isn't as crap!!!!!!!!

No More Mrs Nice Mab!

I've been ill for some time now. The most recent string of sicknesses (like dirty beads on a stinking chain - and when you look closely, you see the beads are actually throbbing glands, sweat-soaked cells, and globules of glutinous bile) has included: food poisoning; swiftly followed by yet another kidney infection; succeeded by a chest infection/flu; with conjunctivitis and an adverse reaction to some meds thrown in.

I've been lying down a lot, a bit like Katy in What Katy Did, but without ever having naughtily gone on the swing I was told not to. Generally, I am a Good Girl. I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I try to 'be nice' and pleasant and fit in with what other people want. I trained as a counsellor and I'm usually diplomatic with my words (in Real Life - which explains why On Stage I am such a madam!). However, there's nothing like a bit of enforced inertia to instill a strong sense of 'What I Want' in one.

And what I want is: excitement! Adventure! To enjoy more thrilling activities! And, to obtain a flat of my own, as per my Facebook status earlier this week:

Here be my pledge:

I pledge to seek the thrills, not worrying about the spills;

To find fun in every endeavour; to do

What I like when I like how I like with who I like

(Be it harm none... Except for the odd carpet burn, of course).

I pledge to edge instead of centre;

To centre myself in the unsuspected, the surprise...

To become a woman with wild eyes.

May 2013 be the year!!!!! Woo!!!!! :-)